Self-Awareness: When You Might Be Doing These Things Too

We All Do Silly Stuff When We’re Vulnerable

Nobody wants to think they’re being manipulative, boundary-crossing, or overwhelming. And here’s the truth: we all do these things sometimes, especially when we’re stressed, scared, or hurting.

This isn’t about being a bad person. It’s about recognizing patterns so you can work on them.

Context: Teachers are workers doing their jobs. Facilitators and TAs are volunteers giving their time.

Context: November 2025 - Crisis Changes the Calculus

We’re living through collective crisis: Fascism, government shutdown, targeting of minorities, people fleeing the country.

This changes things:

The question is still: Are you respecting people’s limits? Are you diversifying support where possible? Are you working on your situation (even if that’s “getting out”)?

But the bar is different during crisis. Be gentle with yourself and others. We’re all doing our best in impossible circumstances.

What doesn’t change during crisis:

Crisis mutual aid looks like:

Crisis IS NOT a free pass to violate boundaries. Desperation is real. People’s limits are also real. Both can be true.

Why Self-Awareness Matters

Everyone Has Patterns

We all:

The difference isn’t whether you mess up - it’s:

This is what separates learning from harm.

Are You Leaning Too Hard on One Person?

Check Yourself

When you’re stressed or struggling, do you:

Do you notice:

This is really common when you’re lonely, scared, or in crisis. It doesn’t make you a bad person.

See: Recognizing Unhealthy Dependency

What to Do About It

People have limits. They care, AND they can’t be your everything.

  1. Notice it - “Oh, I’m doing this again”
  2. Diversify your support:
    • Get a therapist (if possible)
    • Use crisis lines when you’re in crisis
    • Join support groups
    • Build friendships with multiple people
    • Don’t make one person responsible for your wellbeing
  3. Respect boundaries - When someone says they’re not available, believe them
  4. Work on the root issue - What need are you trying to meet? How else could you meet it?

You’re not broken for needing support. You need it from multiple places, not one person.

Are You Pushing When People Say No?

Check Yourself

When someone sets a boundary, do you:

Phrases that might come up:

This happens a lot when you’re desperate or scared. It’s still not okay to keep doing it.

See: Boundary Violations & Love-Bombing

What to Do About It

When someone sets a boundary with you, they’re not rejecting you - they’re protecting their capacity to keep showing up.

  1. Stop when someone says no
  2. Notice your feelings - Hurt, anger, fear are real, even if pushing wasn’t okay
  3. Apologize if you pushed - “I pushed after you set a boundary. I’m sorry.”
  4. Respect it - No more asking
  5. Look at why - What need were you trying to meet? How else could you meet it?
  6. Get support elsewhere - Talk to someone else about those feelings

A “no” doesn’t mean you’re bad. It means they have limits. We all do.

Are You Expecting More Than Is Reasonable?

Check Yourself

Do you expect:

Statements that might come up:

This often comes from fear, desperation, or learned patterns. It’s workable.

What to Do About It

Reality check:

  1. People have limits - Set hours, other commitments, their own lives
  2. Help is given freely - Not owed
  3. Ask, don’t demand - “Could you help?” not “You should help”
  4. Respect “no” - It’s an answer, not a negotiation
  5. Get curious - Where did you learn to expect this? What need are you trying to meet?

It’s okay to have needs. It’s not okay to demand others meet them unconditionally.

Are You Using Vulnerability as a Tool?

Check Yourself (With Self-Compassion)

When you’re hurting, do you:

If yes: You might be weaponizing vulnerability. This is a learned survival strategy. It makes sense that you learned it. It’s still causing harm.

See: Understanding Manipulation

What to Do About It

Be honest with yourself:

  1. Recognize the pattern - “I do this when I’m scared no one will care otherwise”
  2. Understand why - Was crisis the only time you got attention growing up? Did you learn that being vulnerable = power?
  3. Get help - A therapist can help you unlearn this pattern
  4. Find other ways to connect - Practice asking for help without catastrophizing
  5. Respect that people may not trust you - If you’ve done this repeatedly, people will be wary. That’s fair.

You can be vulnerable without using it as a weapon. It takes practice.

Are You Coming On Too Strong?

Check Yourself (Kindly)

Do you:

If yes: You might be love-bombing. This often comes from loneliness, attachment wounds, or fear of abandonment. It’s really common. It’s also overwhelming for others.

See: Boundary Violations & Love-Bombing

What to Do About It

  1. Slow down - Let relationships build naturally over time
  2. Notice the urge - When you want to tell someone they’re special after one conversation, pause
  3. Diversify connection - Don’t make one person your everything
  4. Work on attachment - Therapy helps with this
  5. Be patient - Real connection takes time

You’re not desperate or pathetic for wanting connection. You just need to pace it differently.

When Someone Sets a Boundary With You

What’s Actually Happening

They’re not:

They’re:

When someone says “I can’t”: Believe them.

Getting Help With Patterns

These Things Are Workable

If you notice yourself doing these patterns:

  1. Understand where it came from - You learned this somewhere, probably when you were vulnerable
  2. Take it seriously - Understanding why doesn’t mean it’s okay to keep doing
  3. Get support (recognizing that resources are limited during crisis):
    • Therapy (if available/affordable) - findhelp.org can help you find free or low-cost options
    • Peer warmlines - Wildflower Alliance: 888-407-4515 (7pm-9pm ET Mon-Thu, 7pm-10pm ET Fri-Sun)
    • Support groups - Many are free and peer-led (NAMI, local mutual aid)
    • Crisis lines when you’re activated - 988, Crisis Text Line (741741)
    • Mutual aid networks - Community-based support when professional resources fail
    • International resources if you’ve left the US - See Emigration Resources
    • See Mental Health Resources for more options
  4. Practice new patterns:
    • Ask for consent before venting
    • Respect boundaries the first time
    • Diversify your support (where possible)
    • Slow down in relationships

Finding Free/Low-Cost Help (Nov 2025 context):

Self-Compassion AND Accountability

You Can Hold Both

You’re not a terrible person for doing these things.

Everyone learns harmful behaviors somewhere:

Understanding where it came from doesn’t excuse continuing it.

You can:

All of these at once.

When You’ve Messed Up

Repair Is Possible

If you realize you’ve been doing one of these patterns:

  1. Don’t spiral - This isn’t “I’m a terrible person,” it’s “I did a thing I want to change”
  2. Acknowledge it - To the person affected, if appropriate
  3. Apologize specifically - “I kept pushing after you set a boundary. That wasn’t okay. I’m sorry.”
  4. Ask what they need - Not what you think they need
  5. Actually change - Get help if you need it
  6. Accept consequences - They might not forgive you or want to continue the relationship. That’s fair.

They Don’t Have to Forgive You

Even if you:

They get to:

That’s their right. It’s not punishment. It’s self-care.

Remember

We ALL do silly stuff when we’re vulnerable, scared, hurting, or desperate.

The question isn’t “am I doing this?” (probably yes, sometimes)

The question is: “When I notice it or someone points it out, what do I do?”

Do I:

That’s the difference.

You Can Change

If you:

You can:

Change is hard. Change is possible.

You’re not broken. You’re learning.

See Also: