Common Misunderstandings (And What We Actually Mean)
This page clarifies terms that are sometimes misunderstood or weaponized.
For genuinely confused people: These definitions help you understand what we mean.
For facilitators: Link here when you see confusion or weaponization.
“Horizontal Relationships” Doesn’t Mean “No Authority”
What it means:
- Everyone’s humanity is equal
- Power differences are transparent, not hidden
- Students can question, give feedback, set boundaries with facilitators
- Learning flows in multiple directions
- No one is inherently “better” than anyone else
What it does NOT mean:
- Facilitators can’t enforce community agreements
- No one has authority to remove harmful people
- Everyone gets to do whatever they want
- There are no consequences for violating agreements
Facilitators have specific authority to:
- Enforce Code of Conduct
- Remove people who repeatedly harm the community
- Set boundaries on their own time/availability
- Make final decisions about community safety
Being transparent about power: Facilitators have removal authority. That’s part of maintaining safe community. “Horizontal” doesn’t mean “no structure” - it means “honest about structure.”
“Mutual Aid” Doesn’t Mean “You Owe Me What I Need”
What it means:
- People offer what they can, not what you demand
- You can ask, not require
- Both parties consent to the exchange
- Needs are met through community (multiple people), not one person
What it does NOT mean:
- Everyone must meet your needs
- Your need overrides someone’s “no”
- You’re entitled to specific help from specific people
- Needs = demands
What this looks like:
- “Can anyone help me move?” → people volunteer if they can ✓
- “You MUST help me move, I need it!” → demand ✗
- “Can anyone host me for a week while I find housing?” → asking ✓
- “You have a spare room so you OWE me housing” → entitlement ✗
Mutual aid requires consent from both sides. You give what you can. You receive what others can offer. The circle flows - but everyone gets to choose their participation.
“Boundaries” Are Limits YOU Set, Not Demands on OTHERS
What a boundary is:
- A limit YOU set about what YOU will do or accept
- About YOUR behavior, not controlling others
- Examples: “I can’t talk after 8pm” or “I need you to stop using that nickname for me”
What a boundary is NOT:
- Controlling someone else’s behavior as a “boundary”
- A demand disguised as boundary language
- Examples: “Your boundary is you must answer my calls 24/7” ← That’s a demand, not a boundary
Real boundary: “I only respond to messages during business hours”
Fake “boundary”: “You must respond to my messages immediately because I need it”
See the difference? One is about what YOU will do. The other is trying to control what THEY must do.
When someone sets a boundary with you, your “boundary” back cannot be forcing them to remove their boundary. That’s just violating their boundary with extra steps.
“Neurodivergent-Affirming” Doesn’t Mean “No Accountability”
What it means:
- We respect different brain wiring
- Direct communication is valued
- You don’t have to mask harmless traits (stimming, echolalia, etc.)
- We offer accommodations when possible
What it does NOT mean:
- Your diagnosis excuses harmful behavior
- Accommodations = exemption from all rules
- You can violate boundaries because “that’s just how I am”
- Other people must tolerate harm because you’re neurodivergent
Example:
- ADHD makes waiting hard → Accommodation: We’ll call on you first when we pause ✓
- ADHD makes waiting hard → Excuse to interrupt everyone constantly ✗
We accommodate neurodivergence. We don’t excuse harm.
Being neurodivergent doesn’t make you a bad person. AND you’re still responsible for the impact of your behavior.
“Crisis Changes Things” Doesn’t Mean “No Boundaries During Crisis”
What it means:
- We understand the November 2025 context (fascism, government shutdowns, people fleeing)
- We recognize intensity can be a normal response to extreme circumstances
- We offer grace when people are genuinely struggling
- The bar is different during collective crisis
What it does NOT mean:
- Crisis = free pass to violate boundaries
- Desperation overrides people’s limits
- Crisis means you can demand unlimited support
- Your crisis becomes everyone’s crisis
What doesn’t change during crisis:
- Respecting people’s stated limits
- Using crisis resources (988, etc.) for actual crisis support
- Not threatening self-harm to prevent boundaries
- Recognizing facilitators/peers can’t be your crisis team
Crisis mutual aid looks like:
- “Can anyone host me for 2 weeks while I sort my visa?” (asking, specific, temporary) ✓
- “You MUST let me stay as long as I want or you’re abandoning me” (demanding, indefinite, manipulative) ✗
Crisis IS NOT a free pass to violate boundaries. Desperation is real. People’s limits are also real. Both can be true.
“No Saviors” Doesn’t Mean “Refuse All Help/Resources”
What it means:
- No one should position themselves as your rescuer or guru
- Dependency on one person isn’t healthy
- You’re capable, even when you need help
What it does NOT mean:
- Refuse all help or support
- Don’t listen to anyone’s guidance
- Reject resource referrals
- No one can suggest things
Example:
- Someone positions themselves as the ONLY one who can help you, creating dependency ✗
- Someone says “I can’t support you through this, but here’s 988 and therapy resources” ✓
Referring you to appropriate resources isn’t a savior complex. It’s responsible care.
When Someone Weaponizes These Terms
What weaponization looks like:
- Using social justice/therapy language to avoid accountability
- Cherry-picking definitions to justify harmful behavior
- Accusing others of violating principles when boundaries are set
- Projection: accusing others of the exact behavior they’re doing
Examples:
- “You’re violating horizontal relationships by enforcing rules!” (twisting the term)
- “Mutual aid means you HAVE to help me!” (misusing the concept)
- “Your boundary is gaslighting ME!” (weaponizing therapy speak)
- “I’m neurodivergent so you can’t hold me accountable!” (using identity as shield)
How to respond:
- Point to these definitions: “That’s not what that term means”
- Hold your boundary regardless of how they label it
- Don’t get drawn into debating terminology
- Recognize obvious bad faith (especially when pattern repeats)
- Talk to a facilitator if needed
Genuinely confused people respond to clarification. Weaponizers double down.
Key Principles
If you’re genuinely confused:
- Ask questions
- Read these definitions
- We’ll clarify with patience
- Learning takes time
If someone is weaponizing terms:
- Facilitators will recognize the pattern
- These definitions make bad faith obvious
- We protect community safety
Both compassion AND accountability can coexist.
Both your struggles AND others’ boundaries can be real.
Both crisis context AND respect for limits matter.
See Also:
- Code of Conduct - Community agreements
- Student Boundaries - Setting boundaries
- Understanding Manipulation - Recognizing weaponization
- Self-Awareness - Checking your patterns